I have added completely realistic Uber driving to Grand Theft Auto 5

Saint Moses the Black, who converted from a life of crime to one of ascetic anchoritism, once told his brothers that if they had aught to learn they need only sit in their cells: “Your cell will teach you everything.” I am following his example. I am trading in my life of crime for one of contemplation. I am returning to my cell.

What I mean is, Los Santos Customs has to briefly go on hiatus but will return in the near future. Anyway, today I was an Uber driver with a gun.

I installed Goober & Goober Eats – Realistic Rideshare & Food Delivery, which introduces the gig economy to the hot streets of Los Santos. The premise is simple: you’re an Uber guy now. You can bring up your phone (not the regular phone you use in regular GTA 5, but an entirely new, work phone that the mod summons into being and binds to a different key). Then you mark your labour as commoditisable and off you go.

It’s all quite well-ordered. A helpful line on your map guides you to your pickup, then a second takes you to your client. Of course, as we all know, I can only obtain a car by teleporting into the nearest one, which was a minor issue, but for the most part I had no problems picking up my order.

Delivering it was another matter. My destination was in San Andreas’ far north, easily a couple minutes’ drive away (and that’s if you manage to not get shot to death, caught in a gang war, or flattened by a passing flying truck). I teleport every 50 seconds to random places on the map.

I gave it the old college try, though, putting pedal to the metal in an attempt to deliver a burrito at physics-defying speed. It was only when I was teleported into immovability between two pylons in a cable car station that I decided it simply wasn’t gonna happen. My paralysis did at least give me time to appreciate my notifications, which told me “The Nihilist Sailors have entered Los Santos”. Indeed.

I quickly manually teleported to my destination and dropped off the order. I made like $100 or something. Then, just as quickly, I was whisked to the airport, where a group of furries shot my bodyguard to death.