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Final score: Eagles: 28, Chiefs: 21
You can close the books on Super Bowl LIX. After the second quarter (which is really the fourth quarter, remember, due to a couple crashes), the game is over. Once I turned the physics back up to ridiculous levels, no one even came close to scoring again, which in my opinion is how football should always be: bodies flying around like popcorn and no one ever winning.
Another exciting computer simulation, another highly accurate result! Special thanks to Football Simulator, which is currently in early access on Steam and has more physics than any game I’ve ever seen.
Ah. Much better. Let’s play some football!
Apparently the less physics you have, the more football happens. No one can stop anyone from scoring. The Chiefs make a drive and immediately score, then Philly does the same, and then it repeats.
I’m not saying it’s not fun to watch—it is a representation of the game of football—but I deeply miss players being scattered like bowling pins and flung into the sidelines like a dog’s discarded chew toy.
There is football happening, and some physics, but not enough physics. I feel empty, now. Hollow. As I watch and record fairly routine football events, I feel the eyes of my ancestors turn away from me. They lived and fought and struggled and died, for centuries, so I could do this? This? Record and relate the events of fairly normal simulated football?
After three quarters the score is Eagles: 21, Chiefs: 21.
Against my better judgement I have toned down the physics a bit in the third quarter so the game will stop freezing and players will stop getting knocked into orbit and someone might actually score. As a result, the Chiefs manage to put together a drive for a touchdown and extra point, followed by the Eagles doing the same.
The score is now 7-7, which feels like a more realistic score than 0-0… but I can’t help feeling like I have betrayed my oath to use Extra Physics.
Check out the view from the blimp!
Good news: near the end of the first quarter (which is actually the second quarter) an Eagles player got hit so hard and flew so high he almost landed in the blimp floating over the stadium.
Bad news: instead, he landed in the top deck of the stands, but the clock didn’t stop and ran out the end of the quarter. Instead of starting the second quarter (third quarter), the game just sorta got stuck and I had to quit and restart.
That’s, uh, halftime! Please enjoy the music of Kendrick Lamar (I unfortunately cannot simulate the music of Kendrick Lamar) while we attend to this extremely dead player in the stands.
The game crashed but the current score is a thrilling Eagles: 0, Chiefs: 0
Just as the Eagles were making a run toward the end zone in the last few seconds of the first quarter, Football Simulator froze for about 10 seconds and then crashed to desktop. (It’s still in early access.) It looked to me like Philly was going to score, but according to my realistic and accurate computer simulation, the world simply ended so I’m not going to award them any points. I am trusting the sim.
I’ve restarted the game, this time in New Orleans (which I missed as an option the first time) and I’m getting rid of the snow so nothing interferes with the extreme accuracy of Extra Physics. I’ll play three more quarters. This is going great and it’s accurate and extremely scientific.
An actual field goal attempt! (Spoiler: it missed)
The Chiefs somehow got into a position to almost score, so that’s progress, but they missed the kick. Boo!
Speaking of kicks, in the next possession, an Eagles player is launched through the wall of the dome and into the parking lot. “Let’s see where they spot this,” the announcer says. They’ll have to spot it in Section 6, Row D4.
Current score: 0-0. Future score: 0-0?
Okay, this is obviously fun and amazing, but here in the first quarter I’m a little worried no one is actually going to be able to score or even progress down the field. Every time there’s any sort of collision everyone goes flying. Several players have been ejected into the sidelines and stands.
Mahomes just threw a pass and it laid three players out flat as if they’d been struck by a cannonball. How is anyone ever going to score?
Just one more quick extremely very short slight delay in starting the game
This game doesn’t just have Extra Physics, it has So Many Extra Physics. There are pages and pages of physics. I keep scrolling down and finding more physics. I think Football Simulator has all of the physics?
OVERRIDE FOOT REGAIN PIN SPEED COEFF. STIFF ARMS BOOST IMMUNITY. ORIGINAL MUSCLE PIN WEIGHT. I don’t know what any of this means. I’m just sorta randomly turning some up and some down. I’d look into it more but I’ve really gotta start the game!
Another slight delay in starting the game
The real Super Bowl is taking place in New Orleans, but I don’t see New Orleans on the list of stadiums so I’m choosing Las Vegas (the place to bet all your money on football). I’m also setting the weather to be snow because it’s fun when there’s snow and football, so don’t be confused as to why there’s snow, even though the Vegas stadium is a closed dome so there shouldn’t be snow.
But there’s snow! Let’s start the game!
Slight delay in starting the game
Since Football Simulator doesn’t have a license to use the NFL’s real teams, I was just going to use their fake equivalents: The Kansas City Warlocks versus the Philadelphia Phoenixes. Problem is, the Phoenixes have red uniforms, so it kinda makes them look like the Chiefs instead of the Eagles. That’s no good.
What I’m gonna do instead is use the Detroit Gryphons to stand in for Philly (since their uniforms are green and a gryphon is basically an eagle) and the American All-Stars, whose uniforms are red. Philly: Green, KC: Red. Problem solved, let’s start the game!
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