The Great Mighty Poo from Conker’s Bad Fur Day now has a statue the size of a human torso, and I have no idea where you could reasonably put it

Listen, I’m not an expert in home decoration. In fact, I’m probably the last person qualified to give advice on such matters—one thing I can say for certain, however, is that you probably don’t want to bring a prospective date home with a three-foot pile of plastic poo on your coffee table.

Yet, that’s now a very real possibility. First 4 Figures, who’ve made figurines for games like Dark Souls and Silent Hill in the past, have now birthed this great monstrosity. It’s a massive statue the size of a person’s torso that depicts The Great Mighty Poo, a boss from Rare’s beloved and seedy collectathon Conker’s Bad Fur Day.

The Great Mighty Poo is a musical auteur of sorts, singing an operatic dirge to bring you a stinky death at the hands of his literal shit-flinging. You defeat him by throwing rolls of toilet paper into his mouth. If you played the game back in 2001, you’ll soon be able to relive the experience of facing down a giant pile of faeces in your own living room. 

Here’s a preview of this thing in motion courtesy of IGN, terrifyingly silhouetted and bathed in shadow, presumably to protect my brain from the psychic damage imagining it on my kitchen table is causing me.

First 4 Figures have even graciously offered it at a discount on its Twitter: “Behold the captivating front view of our The Great Mighty Poo statue,” I’m commanded. I do not want to, but I can’t look away. 

In all seriousness, it does look lovingly detailed, a physical reminder of Rare’s charmingly bawdy cult classic. I want to sit here and praise the sculpting, the bright yellow corn shining from the Mighty Poo’s maw, the neat stone detailing around base, the fact you get a defiant Conker out of the deal as well. But it’s just so big. 

Granted, the Great Mighty Poo is a stage presence, a defiling diva—it makes sense that any statue trying to capture his essence would be literally impossible to ignore, hide, or flush down the toilet. Pre-orders for the statue will open August 3, in case you think you’re up to the challenge of finding a place for this thing. I myself will probably just get a nice vase or something.